The Great Perhaps....

Coming to you live from Kuwait son!!!

I don't really know why I wanted to say that but anyways moving forward... As you can clearly see I titled this blog post "The Great Perhaps". I don't remember who originally said it but I'm deriving it from a really good book I read recently titled "Looking for Alaska". If you haven't read this book yet, I highly recommend it.The reason I picked that title is that in this stage of my life I am still in pursuit of it. What does it mean for me, and where can I find it? If you have been keeping up with this blog and it's history you will find that not only the title, but the actually story of said book, is delightfully ironic and super convenient to what it is I'm about to write.  If you haven't been keeping up, and to make a long story short. It's the classic tale of boy meets dead end. Needs to find a way out. Joins the military for sense of direction. At this point of the story the reader can be proud of the protagonist, but is that the end? The protagonist did what he wanted to do without losing himself, and with no post traumatic stress to speak of. Has a steady job, makes decent money, and gets to travel. A kid from Florida getting to live in Alaska is a tremendous experience, but is that it? A conversation I had with a really good friend keeps coming to mind...

 We had both taken a test that discerned our unique personality traits, as we discussed the results and talked about what elements were true or false, it was very apparent that this test was extremely accurate. It told us a lot of stuff that we already knew, and a few things we had yet to learn about ourselves. The most interesting thing about the test is that it told us what our most basic desire was. For him it was that as long as he stayed happy it didn't matter what happened. That he was okay with the conventional America dream idea. To one day find the right girl and get married. Have a good job that he enjoys, buying a house, and eventually settling down and have kids. Just being happy and comfortable would be a good life. But I on the other hand was a bit different. All the things mentioned related to his happiness are all things that do apply to me but the only difference is I will always want to build on that. That my happiness is to achieve and then achieve on top of that. So in my eyes his view of life made it seem as if he had a low ceiling. Ceiling referring to the amount of space you have left to grow. If you know this particular friend then you know that a comment like that would spark a bit of a heated discussion between us. What I'll never forget about that conversation is what he declared at the end. "What makes me happy is what normal people want, I have a normal ceiling. Jeni has a high ceiling, Brian you have no ceiling". 

No ceilings. I like that shit. Regardless of where I am in life, there is always room for improvement. The conventional lifestyle isn't anything bad at all. I too want the wife, excellent job, big house, and kids. For me there is always something else to work towards, it's in my personality. Its funny thinking back to a younger version of myself dreaming of one day becoming a president. It's ludicrous thinking back that far because to me that thought is now foreign. If I could have a conversation with my 13 year old self I'd imagine it would go like this...

 I can see the shine of a full moon still lit in his eyes. The roundness of his face, the thin narrow shoulders that holds a frame no bigger than a hundred pounds. The squeaky voice that is still unaffected by puberty.  He doesn't stand any taller than five feet so he has to look up to me when he says... "Did your balls drop off somewhere? How could you let my dreams die?" It would sting. But the simple answer to his question would be life. Life happened. I guess you can chalk it up to his ignorance but my former self was fearless. Sure, he was still figuring a lot of different things out but he wasn't afraid to declare that his dream was to become a lawyer, to become a president. So what happened? Why did his boldness become my reluctance? The only thing that I can think of is , I am afraid. Afraid of failure. Afraid that I wasn't good enough to make it. Nature's first green is gold. When you are not affected by the trials and tribulations of life, you are untouchable. Everyone has their dreams and aspirations, the only difference is that once you write them down, they become a goal. One step closer to achieving what that dream might be.

In the book "Looking for Alaska" the main character, Miles, is in search of his "Great Perhaps". He is still in high school and he feels that his life up until that point has been irrelevant, and he yearns for something more. Miles decides that he wants to leave home to attend a boarding school in hopes of finding his "Great Perhaps". I, like Miles, felt that I could  possibly travel the world, or maybe if I could experience a plethora of new things. That I could find my "Great Perhaps". But I've come to realize that it's none of those things. My "Great Perhaps" has always been inside of me. I have to find that 13 year old Brian. The Brian that didn't look for excuses but the one who saw an obstacle to overcome. He might not always make the right decisions but wasn't afraid to get messy. To make mistakes but learn from them. To understand that you can't always get it right the first time. And that it is you and only you,who can stop you from attempting a second time. I desperately need to find him, he won't have all the answers I seek. Just to tap into his boldness. Turn his dreams into my goals. He was untouchable. He was immune to danger. Like two little lion cubs before him...

"Danger??? HA! I laugh in the face of danger."

Take life one adventure at a time, and ALWAYS remember that it is a work in progress.

Peace and Happiness to all :)

Humbly yours,

Brian J